with work / of course work / always work always making / sure all the kites are still tied down / where i left them / my g-cal has just been so so packed / with colors and rectangular shapes / like yesterday i spent the whole morning red / the rest of the afternoon blue

anyways yes it's / so-so / good to hear from you / yes my heart rate has been rock / solid / i haven’t spent hours questioning / for the (x)th time in my life / how to refer to my / own name / or disecting how my / own body changes / ages / yes i have updates / on those last action items you inquired about / of course there’s been progress / always progress / you wouldn't believe / the progress i’ve been making / while my back’s been turned on / the world / disappearing / is all part of the artistic process

so sorry it took so long / to get so behind / i’m exhausted from laying in bed all the time / i mean being at the office all the time / i mean lying at the home-office all the time / i mean playing body / in the casket / i mean / this is where the magic happens / i've been hitting / those long hours / scrolling through my phone on the toilet / long after i’m done / with my shit / sorry i haven’t answered / the phone / i thought you were a robo-call this whole time / all i have prepared is robo-responses

the other day i worked until 7 pm at my / non-profit’s / covid-compliant / in-person / open-house / but i wasn't / even in the room / i was sat on a worn couch / in the dim theater behind my eyes / watched my hands move piles / of pamphlets / felt my mouth move / to greet people / heard the sounds i made / muffled / like music / through the bathroom door of a strangers house party / until i clawed my way home / on what remained / of my fingernails

sorry i took so long / to get back to you / that you forgot / i would / i was just so busy / reminding myself / to get back to you / and sitting in my / body as it does / nothing / to break its still silence / i’ve been avoiding / my avoidance / i've been pulling all these escape hatches only to find / mirrors behind them

sorry it took stepping back / to long for you / i’ve just been having dreams again / where all my teeth fall out / i’m swamped with / licking over my tartar / each morning / with the tip of my tongue / just to check that it’s all still there / so sorry / i couldn’t be more reliable the way i wish i was / i wish i showed up for myself too sometimes / sorry i forgot when i disappear for weeks / i’m not the only one / i am hurting

so sorry there's no way back / another heart i know / just stopped responding to its own beating / another / in a long procession of trans hearts / i’ve lived to see / stop / i haven’t felt / like dying / in a very long time / but / what am i supposed to do with this kind of haunting / hunting / how can the thought not cross my mind / will it ever get me?

sorry instead of getting back to you / i’m trauma dumping / my body / is made of many kites / that’ve been eyeing their knots / sorry it seems like i don’t care / when i do / so so much / i’ve just been so busy / double / triple checking / that i’m still / at the other / end of the line

Otto Vock is a Jewish Non-Binary poet and educator from Jersey City, NJ, now residing in Somerville, MA. Their poetry has previously appeared in The Offing and the Plum Creek Review. They’re also the primary author of the companion curriculum for Phil Kaye’s book of poems, Date & Time, made in partnership with Button Poetry and Project VOICE. Otto currently instructs in-person and online poetry workshops at GrubStreet, and holds down the sandwich station at Vinal General. You can keep up with Otto and their upcoming workshops on their Instagram or website.

Rachel Harrison was born in 1966; she is based in New York. She received a BA in fine art from Wesleyan University in 1989. Harrison has exhibited at the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art; Whitechapel Gallery, London; Stedelijk Museum voor Actuele Kunst, Ghent; New Museum of Contemporary Art, New York; Whitney Biennial and the Whitney Museum of American Art; and the Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum among others.