ON THE SUBJECT OF BEING BORN

by Kourtney Jones

TSA is younger than me, which is to say, I am a fucking granny and I carry rocks in my pockets. Last week I flew on Christmas day and I am not a grandma because they don’t do that on holidays. Sometimes I decide whether I am going to die or go see The Golden Gate Bridge. It’s not even golden, it's so stupid and it took 3 minutes to drive the length of it and traffic on either side just to buy lentils in the grocery store on the other side of the Pacific. I could have stayed in Indiana and ate those beans. The power went out in the O’hare airport and I swear to god that place is on drugs. Security told us to follow the person in front of us so I took the opportunity to do the conga. I hate weddings but I love Mr. Carissimi who was in front of me, his brown suede jacket reeking of cigarettes. I wouldn’t have needed to put my hands on his big shoulders if the lights really did go all the way out. Jesus christ the country is covered in ice on Jesus’s birthday. Someone told me we have the dates all wrong and that he was born in the summer but I don’t give a rats ass I am wiggling like a line of preschoolers waiting to go to the restroom. I think this security guard would make me piss my pants before he gave me permission to step out of line and take a leak. If I were home, alone, I’d be setting up booby traps because I do fear that one day a mother fucker like that will come into my house. I used to have a plan that when I knew of an intruder, I’d hide in the dark and scare the holy bejesus out of them. They’d never expect it. Surely they’d run out of the house and never ever come back. I don’t really want to have that kind of impact on someone. So instead, I purchase saran wrap at my local 24/30 surplus store in excess. After I brush my teeth and put on my jammies, I strap it from one side of the dining room to the front door. That’ll stop them. You ever see a jellyfish run into a glass wall? The zoo started putting a small motor in their tanks so they wouldn’t keep doing that. They don’t have brains. They need their bodies blown into whatever cardinal direction will keep them alive. Are jellyfish alive like I am alive? Is my mother? I swear to god my birth was made up. I’ve got a dark canal between my legs but I am not using an oar. I’ve been treading my hands along the wall like a maniac but I am not a maniac because I know I’ll never get out. That’s what is different about me this year from all the other years. I need to start telling people that next time we enter a planet, or place, whatever strange contraption God or whatever his name is in that place comes up with, we should try sliding in feet first. What kind of ding dong idiot would have us come crashing in skull first?

Published August 18, 2024